Thursday, June 23, 2011

Coming out of the Closet!!

WARNING: I've been given permission by My Father to be who He has made me to be... so I will. If you don't like it, don't listen. Ok,, if you like it and it speaks to your heart, great. If not, move on, I won't take offense. This really is for me and my Daddy and all who need me to be me because me being me will help them be them. This is really what it is all about. I am giving myself the permission (because I know who I am) to speak. I value myself. I really want to hear what I have to say.

I am coming out of the closet. Like it or not. It's time and it's very important for me. the problem I have had is I know what many of you believe and think because I have believed and thought just like you. But I am so realizing that there is a part of me that has been shut up and locked up and hidden for a very long long time. Though I believe and think a certain way, I feel another. I live what I feel. I realize I do not speak because of fear. I am facing that fear and I am seeing it for what it really is, a mirarage that is just something to keep me from being who I am.

Last night as I was feeling all these emotions. Really deep emotions. I was shown a vision of myself locked up in a closet. This was something that I did as a child. I really don't know why but it was my hiding place of isolation. When I was really hurting I went to the closet. Today I was seeing that I still do this, in a measure, I still run to the closet. It's time for me to let myself out of the closet and feel what I feel and express those feelings. Don't be thrown off by my using the word "feeling". I am talking about a deep sensitivty that is a major and primary gifting in my life. I am a feeler. I feel before I see sometimes. It's a sensory gift. I feel at a very deep level. I also "feel" other peoples feelings and emotions and I can also feel demons. I feel more than I "see" but I see also. When I asked the Lord what He loved about me the most, to my utter horror, He said, "your sensitivity". I was so shocked by this because this was the thing I hated the most about myself. God loves the thing that I hate. Oh, gosh!! Well, I think all of my life I have tried to surpress this part of who I am. I have ingnored and shoved it in the closet. I have felt like a freak and an alien. I have often just wanted to go home to heaven because I really haven't known what to do with myself here on this earth. You see, I can walk into a grocery store and I can "feel" people's attitudes and emotions. I can walk into a church and feel the intensity of the lonliness or the glorious atmosphere of heaven. I can also feel danger and know things that I can't even explain in words but I know it clearly. It's weird, but I can tell you more about what a demon feels like than what it looks like. I don't see lust, I feel it, and it is nasty. There are demons that feel like big huge rocks trying to press in on me. There are demons that feel like huge fat beings that want to overtake. Anyway, it's really weird and I never hear people talk about this, so it's strange for me to even speak it.

Now, going back to the fact that the Lord loves this about me! He loves that I am sensitive to HIM!! Because of this I can feel the Lord on such a deep level it's even hard to describe. I felt and saw Him on the very first day I met Him and it has never changed. Some have misunderstood me because of my poor ability to communicate and some of it has been just a plot to shut me down. I have learned to keep much to myself for fear of misunderstanding. I am beginning to really understand my value as a daughter of God. I am really starting to see the threat I am to the kingdom of darkness. Ok, so the Lord loves this about me, right! Yes, from the beginning I have had a intensity of intimacy with Jesus that I will say is so incredible. This is where much misunderstanding can happen. Many who have never experienced this kind of intimacy with Jesus do not understand it at all. This is such a tender place. It's private. It's really between Jesus and the individual. This kind of love must be experienced or it will not be understood. It is not a physical earthly love but a spiritual love that we were designed to know.

I once had a leader friend pull me aside and ask me if I was having some kind of physical relations with God! Oh my GOD!!! I love my friend, and she knows that, but this was devastating to me. Because of what I had come out of prior to coming into the Kingdom, this threw me into a tail spin. I tell you that this was not even the remotest part of what was going on with me and Jesus!! I truly lacked maturity in sharing something so intimate with people who had no grid for it. The sad part of this is that I withdrew from this place with the Lord because I felt it was tainted and I didn't want anything that wasn't pure even though it was utterly pure and holy.

I have to say that BEFORE I was ever able to let the Lord get this close to me, I had to let Him council me. You see, I had been defiled on the deepest level and I was afraid to let anyone get that close to me again. The Lord began to council me and talk to me and He promised never to violate me. He is so tender and so gentle. He really is and He really cares about us and wants to hear us. He already knows what is inside of us but He isn't afraid for us to say it. I was deathly afraid. I was terrorized actually. In fact the first time He came that close to me it was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. It "felt" like,,, "oh Lord,, this is toooo close". But I weep now, at how He talked to me and spoke right into the deepest most terrorizing thing that ever happened to me. He disarmed my fears. He went to the crux and the most amazing thing was that I let Him.

You see the one thing that I desired as a young lady was that I stay pure for my husband. That was taken away from me through violation and it was the most devastating thing to me. When Jesus came to me that day and started to council me. He asked me questions. I answered the questions. What hurt you the most about that Jodi? Oh, Lord, that I lost something that was so precious to me. Lord, more than anything I want to be pure. I want to be pure. He spoke to me like a redeemer would. Oh Jodi, I have made you pure. You have been given back what was taken!! That day will forever be to me one of the most precious days of my life. That is day that Jesus became my one and only Kinsman Redeemer. I fell in love with Him in the truest most purest sense of the word. He restored me!! He made me pure. I was free to be to Him what I was made to be without defilement!! I was always meant to be His. I knew that and so it wasn't hard after that to give myself to Him. It was natural. It was pure. I could receive love like I had never been able to before. Now, I live in that love. Allowing yourself to be loved takes a lot of trust. How could I not trust this One? He is trustworthy. Jesus doesn't just say He loves you, He truly loves you into the most deepest core of who you are. Jesus doesn't just want you to know in your head you are loved, He wants you to "feel" His love. When you do, I guarantee you will never be the same again. The funny thing is when someone has experienced Jesus like this you can tell. They have that glimmer in their eye!!

I tell you all of this now because I am mature enough to know who I am and what I have is precious. I tell you this now not to receive your validation or approval or your scrutiny but I tell you so that you may know there are deeper depths with Jesus if you have yet to experience them. I tell you this so you will know, if you have had this kind of depth with Jesus you are not alone. There are more of us out there than you may think.

It's the yada of God... to be known on the deepest level. To know by experience. To make oneself known. Let God yada you!!!

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